candyman, some candy please!

How I hate and love this.

It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel in this void life of mine. But at the same time, it makes me expectant. I hate expecting.

I've been offered once, but I demurred. But how I want it now!

That sounds desperate. You see? This is what it does to me!

I take pride in my rationality, in my ability to see logic, in my being a thinker. But whenever these turbulent feelings rage, I become dumb. Stupid. Dimwit.

No, don't get me wrong. I still do see rationality, that's why I quash it early on so that I won't crash too much. Even having supreme brain power won't prevent you from feeling.

Wow. Look at me, rambling.

I may hate the after effects, but I love it all the same.

I mean, it does make me feel. I know that sounds stupid. But someone living a life on mind would welcome anything that actually touches them. And I do.

It's embarrassing, even. I mean, I do all this stuff just so I could look- Man,that's too girlish!

Arggh! Okay, so this post doesn't make sense at all. I don't, either.

walk on

I was wowed, amazed, and challenged.

Challenged? Now where did that come from?

I guess I was used to "Marge?yeah that's her field" spot. I know that sounds childish but hey, I am human.

It's not the competition, nor the pride. Its more of having to renew your knowledge in your own thing. A thing that, for the past years, you have been ruling.

Stepping down is no problem, seeing that I never assumed the position, but the rising uncertainties are. For one thing, I based a decision on that 'thing'. A decision big and grave enough to affect my life in the future. I never was sure of myself, I am aware of the risks. But now, ugly thoughts are sprouting. Shaking my confidence.

But its alright.

I guess I'll just walk on.

maktub: part 1

" When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you get it."
-The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

I have to admit. It was hard. But you can't blame me.

I mean, is it my fault that I'm so darn shy?

It was alright at first. Five seconds after I sat down someone initiated. It was nice. She made it look as easy as breathing.

I'm telling you, its not.

I tried, I really did. But everytime I try to do it everything gets stuck in my throat.

So I ended up crawling back to the shell.

Pathetic? Tell me about it.

Stupid as it may seem, it was a total relief that I got to meet someone who just loves to initiate. Loves to inititate, and give out all this trivias. By the end of the day, I was swamped with facts that I really don't need to know. But at least it got my throat unstuck.

Actually, I already expected that something like this would happen. I just know myself that much. I mean, it happens everytime.

Why I'm like this, I don't know. Its not because Im insecure, or low esteemed, or that I fear rejection, or whatever psych analysis you come up with. No. Its just is.

I prefer undergoing the natural way. Ha, that sounds funny.

I meant just letting things unravel, grow momentum.

Stuff like this takes time.

Melodramatic? I guess so.

Anyway that's one down. I'd say I have just been granted my "beginner's luck". I'm miles away from my "personal legend", whatever that is. I'm still not sure.

I may be a planner, but its just a short-time thing.

As for me, I'm going to really work hard. Not for anyone, or for the achievement. Its for me.

I know right now I'm just skimming past the gates. I'm still at the opening. Finding a path through the Old forest, where evil lies ahead. But I'm trusting what the old man had said. After all, God sent him for that special purpose.

I trust God, so I trust what he said, which makes me trust my personal legend, which in turn makes me trust the universe to help me.
I'll get to it. Swear.

friend and Friend

I gained a new Friend today.

We've known each other for a reasonable time already;we got along pretty well, had gotten ecstatic in the lamest jokes ever, and share the same "thing" in language arts. In fact, we are friends. But today, that person became my Friend. Or maybe I became her Friend. Well, you get the picture.

So what's all the gobbledygook on friend and Friend?

According to my handy-dandy Webster Dictionary, a friend is a close companion. For me a friend is just that:an acquaintance of a higher level. But a Friend, now that's a different story.

A Friend is someone who has earned your trust, likewise had given you his trust. Someone who is comfortable in your presence and when in it, is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeves. He is someone who revels in your mutual trust and is confident in your ability to keep his trust.

So don't take your friends for granted, because you never know when and who among them might transform into a Friend.